If I Had Been There

I didn’t want the spotlight
I wanted the space behind it
The hush between takes
The voice that steadies the scene
I was never drawn to the stage
Only to the man who stood just off it
Unscripted
Unpolished
Unprotected

I felt your name pull me like a tide
I was on duty
In uniform
Serving a world that didn’t know my heart was wandering
I typed
And there you were
Gilded in wedding gold
Smiling beside a spotlight bride
Wrapped in a Hollywood fairytale
And I wept

Not for what you had
But for what I missed
I wasn’t chasing clout
I was chasing your light
But someone else had drawn the curtain closed

Your wedding had press kits
And themed entrances
She walked ahead like a headliner
And you were letting her lead
But I saw you in the shadows
Smiling
Shrinking sweetly
Wanting peace but surrounded by applause

I never wanted your trophies
Just the man who bled for them
Who sat in locker rooms after the lights were out
Wondering if it was enough

I kept your stats like sacred scrolls
Folded box scores like prayers
I was the girl with ink-stained fingers
Camera crew in the stands
Scorekeeper in the gym
Voice caught on film
Whispering your name like a quiet spell
Even when you didn’t see me
Even when you forgot I was there

Your friends

gone too soon
I knew them too
One and I shared easy laughs

The other had a blunt way about him
Both carved into the grief of our school
I still have their funeral programs
Pressed like leaves in the pages of a chapter I couldn’t close

And when you broke your collarbone
I didn’t just see you fall
I felt it
Like a mirror cracking in my chest
I wanted to leap the gate
Run to the grass
Touch your face and say
I’m here. I always was.

But you were already gone
Already chosen
And I was left with echoes
Of could-have-beens

I was with another after you
He made headlines too
But I never kept his clippings
Never saved his stats
Because my heart knew the difference
Between a name
And a flame

You bought a beach house and didn’t touch the sand
But if I had been there
I would’ve made you remember how to feel it
How to let it bury your stress
Pull your soul back to shore
Remind you that waves don’t ask for applause

You say you wanted a wedding where the family smiled
But what you wanted
Was rest
What you needed
Was to be chosen quietly
Without a stage
Without a script

I gave you my number
You never called
But I checked my phone in basic
Every Sunday
Like it was communion
Like you might remember
Like God might press my name into your spirit

I was all the right things
For the wrong man
And you
Were the chapter I never got to write
But never stopped reading

This isn’t regret
It’s recognition
I didn’t want your spotlight
I wanted your shadow
The parts no one clapped for
The man after the game
The silence before the storm

You were always rare
But so was I
And I would’ve loved you from backstage
From the booth
From the film room
From the bleachers
From the sand
From the quiet

If I had only been given the chance

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